just got back

im tired and sleepy but i got the urge to blog....
well, let me do a quickie and i shall go slumber..


few hours back my family and i were celebrating my uncle 50th bday at east coast!
gosh! time really flies....


during the evening i decided to take a stroll down east coast park nearby to chalet alone.
well, then i walk by a bicycle shop and the next thing i knew already rent one alone


cycling slowly and at my own pace..it feel wonderful
it feels peaceful. yes it really feel peaceful.
i did not tell anyone that rent a bicycle...
suddenly being alone feel better...

i cycle to the end of east coast park where i decide to take a break...and self-photo whore
























haha! I cant believe i self-photo whore in public...but well it is me, so it is nothing new...


then the sun set and i end up at some jetty ....
dunno where it is but feel the gush of wind running through my hair is sensual
and with my omnia around it gave me some inspiration to write.

well, i dunno whether u may understand but i will share wat i wrote later//

here some extra pic











me again!






I know it is blurry but i was riding on this baby who keep me accompanied this evening..








at this jetty i wrote two poems...
lol, i am no poet so dont laugh/cuss at me..

Ocean

Im here by the ocean of tears

Gliding through the wind of despair

It strength pierce through every inch of my soul

My spine shiver in fear

Nothing in me is spare

I am feeling cold but it can never be told...

I can feel that my heart is being shear..

My mind is beyond repair

And i am alone and no one to hold..

Am i still this poor dear?

Who Never experience being paired....

Lasting till i am old...

If my soul was seed

If my soul was seed

Let it be on the highest summit.
Let it know no love
Let it know no friends..
For no other tree grow at the mountain top...

Upon the peak it grow alone...
Blooming to no sight
Bearing fruits to no one

For the tree at the peak..
May be it is a blessing..
It will not yearn for another for it have no knowledge about the others.

I wish my soul grew on the mountain end...
And I seek no one and no love for I will have no knowledge of it..

Now I am at the lowest valley. Germinate in obscurity.
Seeking warmth in a stranger life..
Wishing to be at the highest peak....



Hope u like it.....especially depressing poem!

I THINK MY MIND IS MORE CLEAR TODAY


last night i just have to let everything off my chest...let everything out...let everything bare

i always feel so much better after writing stuff out
i dunno why but may be through a blog i feel that at least i can talk to something

i like the whole world is off my chest/breast! LOL

unlike talking to people, they may have ears but they dont listen..
that is unfortunate....maybe i am that tooo


<>
what the fuck! LOL

ok nvm! I will just rewrite!

as i was saying!

there is this wise bunkmate of mine who told me that instead of accepting and be comfortable with the weakness and the shortcoming that u have, why dont u do something about it and make it better.
his words run through my mind

all my life i have believe that I am fat and i am not as fits as anyone else but i can leave with it as long as i love myself. i always use that as my life philosophy!
but come to think of it, may be i have been using it as an excuse to work hard and be better....
i should change my life perspective..

you know i have been talking to this guy, let call him......S...
he somehow told me that i am somewhat emotional and i cant control myself bitch-fit
lol...may be i am that....well, s is younger than me by a couple of years but he taught me somthing that day...i will not say here but although he is crazy and somehow funny, he taught me more about myself and he change the way i look at things now..

he may know it but i would like to say thank you


another thing is this,
there is this guy who told me that i should run and exercise more as he notice that i am more getting more lethargy by the days. yes...i have not been running lately . but instead of taking it as an advice or like a friend trying to help u out, i took it in offensive way.
i dunno why but to me it sounded like he was sayin that i am fat and should do something about it. i feel it like a slap to my face...


i know feeling that way is totally irrational and baseless
plus i should be more thankful that someone is reminding me to be healthier

i dunno why but am i taking thing negatively or am i more cynical...
hmmmmm,,,,,,

i talk to my mum about all of this and she told me this
" you think to highly of yourself. when someone tell u ur weakness it is somehow a slap to ur big ego"

hmm, may be it true......maybe i hve forgotten to be humble.....
or may be becoz i thing i am a nurse in this course that i feel that i am better it skill or may be it better in everything compare to everyone else.....

gosh, look like i forget some lesson that nursing taught me....to be humble...

humility.....

i should learn that word and understand it true meaning



ok i am gg to say something random


i miss my royal

i dunno know what wrong wit me. apparently there are many internal turmoil within me.

i know i have irritate a couples of people and even my family members is not spare.

i dunno why i am acting this way.....

i know i am in the wrong
i know whatever i say hurts someone like hell
but i really dunno why i cant bring myself to admit that i am wrong in the first place


i am being like a real bitch...

yes i may sound bitchy but am i taking this bitch story too seriously

or am i really turning to a real bitch


this week in that hostel like place, i really think that i am the worse
asshole ever,,,i know it is not nice to talk about people behind their back but i just could not control my self. i regret back stabbing,,,,


something which come natural to me like gossip bitch backstabbing......i believe i should learn to put a stop to it......
but where do i begin.......


i really piss alot of people, i dunno directly or indirectly...
gosh i should kill myself....

haiz....so disappointted in myself for acting this way,,,,

INSPIRED!

Lester gave me this link to watch this video about Susan Boyle.


At first people judge her because look,age and appearance but
when she sing, her voice is like an angel!

I am actually inspired and may be we should jude people according to their
inside and not the outside. Quit being Superficial people!

here the link

check it out!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9z0h1NNk1Ik

I watch the video for more than 10 times already!!!

haha

it been for 4 months! it is time to change the Song!

I have gone through alot! Alot that it change my life better!


It is time to change this song! too long it have been in this blog and now the
new me have to take over! Dun worry! This song Now You're Gone by Sugababes will be
like a stigma on your head!

anyways! Although i din get any complain that I forsaken this blog! it is time to
continue what I have left!

Time for a fresh start!
Lets start from the beginning!

here are some pictures while I am label as Staff Nurse Muhd Hasrul.

I had a great time at ward 75! miss manual evacuation!
























Well! in the mean time while working! i have my coffee break with fellow royals! hehe













Then I am off to tekong!!!!

I still cant believe I survive tekong! hahaha!
here some photos of ppl who make tekong fun!






this is me with my buddy! LOL! cant survive without him!



Then we POP! and had a Platoon BBQ!!





hahaha! I had a great time during the BBQ and lots of cash outflow! LOL!

last month Juli, syaz and me!

deciced to go back to the confrontation zone that change our life!
the surge of memory just flow like a broken dam




im sure my dear royals know this place very well.


later on that week! family trip to Changi terminal 3.







haha@ something happen that day! i was in cubicle answering to the call of nature!
then i heard strange noises! later on, I heard a guy moaning " No. NO".me! you can figure out what they were doing in there! lol


next! an Aunt from malaysia return to singapore to visit my grandma who had stroke!



look at her fair skin! beautiful sey!
she told everyday she put natural and purely unrefined honey on her face!
dammit i need to get hold of that honey!

Lastly! yours truly! love to photowhore!
haha!



i love this shirt of mine! dammit i still haven pay jamie for it!





haha!
that is all for now! more heart to heart entry in the future

back from the abyss

well, it is very clear that this blog have been forsaken. Being untouch for months.


alot have been happening, well how can my life be that stagnant right.


lets start from the beginning,

it have been so damn challenging this year. Emotionally and physically....
with an accident that happen to me involving my right eye, my self-esteem dwindle like a dying flame in the tundra.

then the issue about Khai and how I lost him...
i've lost a friend........

until now it still hurt....it is still very real...
damn!!

I can say I've changed. changed in the way i perceived thing and changed in the way I react to things. After that traumatic experienced I am a different person.

I almost lost my eye and I lost a friend.
at that time to.....i was jobless....that is where i lost my pride...


but soon, when the Will of God, I manage to find a job. Working and earning cash have been
a great distraction and comfort to me. Yes It is tiring but it make learnt and grow.
This is my first real job, dealing with real people where my ass is widely exposed under public scrutiny. When I was a student, I am very much protected like a being in a cacoon with all the senior staff around me.

But now, i have greater responsibility thrust upon me and people lives is at my hand. but I somehow with the help of my preceptor, I survived.

survive greatly and I can say that I am Victorious.

With all this crap, shits and all the hell hole that I have gone through, I Still remain standing high and tall and dun forget my tones ass since I've been gg to the gym lately. LOL

ANd NOW NS is coming. Another chapter of my life awaits!
Time to go where all the boys go to be a man!

damaged

all i can say i've been working! i am grateful that I am working. I am grateful that in the time of great uncertainty that befall on me, I am still sane.

work have given me a great source of distraction. With the fact that Quincy is gone in ns, i have one less person to talk to. I wonder how he is doing?

Honestly I am mentally nt feeling ok. I dun think I am ready to open up my feeling to anyone anytime soon. i honestly feel so surpress when quincy is gone......pls call me alright.

I am breaking my silence!

I feel so damaged! Thanks to you i dun trust others now. I dun try myself now. I really cant believe in myself now. I feel so stupid! I feel so cheated! I feel rotten now!! u dont know how many night i cant sleep well. I have never felt so much hatred toward someone! Not once i am so angry that very core of me reap in flame upon hearing ur name.

I am not ready to forgive! but I will tell you this! I WILL NEVER FORGET!!!!!!

AGAIN! U LEFT ME DAMAGED!!!!

Sugababes - Now You're Gone

Don't recognise what I see
Who is this looking back at me?
I just can't tell
I see a pale reflection of myself
Can't cover up the way I feel
These nights will never never heal
What can I do?
Am I supposed to just forget you?

I'm torn up got my fingers burning
Now I'm, so lost got a lot to learn
I wanna free myself as someone else
But there's no where left to turn

Tell me who are you gonna run to?
Where are you gonna hide?
There's so much you gotta undo
If there's nothing left inside
Tell me who's gonna make it better?
When there's so much going wrong
Will I feel this way forever?
Or am I stronger now you’re gone?

Wish I could change who I am
Be someone who don't give a damn
It's too much to take
Cause my heart is set to break down
I can't pretend anymore
That things will be like they were before
Why can't you see?
It's just a faded memory

I'm torn up got my fingers burning
Now I'm, so lost got a lot to learn
I wanna free myself as someone else
But there's no where left to turn

Tell me who are you gonna run to?
Where are you gonna hide?
There's so much you gotta undo
If there's nothing left inside
Tell me who's gonna make it better?
When there's so much going wrong
Will I feel this way forever?
Or am I stronger now you’re gone?

What can I do?
To make it through
It's only me
Why can't I see?
I'm not too well
It's such a shame
It's only me

Who are you gonna run to?
Where are you gonna hide?
There's so much you gotta undo
If there's nothing left inside
Tell me who's gonna make it better?
When there's so much going wrong
Will I feel this way forever?
Or am I stronger now you're gone?

Why can't I feel, yeah

There's so much you gotta undo
If there's nothing left inside
Tell me who's gonna make it better?
When there's so much going wrong
Will I feel this way forever?
Or am I stronger now you're gone?

he is in NS already!

gosh!

I miss that idiotz already...

i hope u are doing ok!

dont bitch around so much


In the end you went NS before me!

I miss u bitch!