Cant read my Poker face!

just got back

2009-05-10T02:34:00.003+08:00

im tired and sleepy but i got the urge to blog....
well, let me do a quickie and i shall go slumber..

few hours back my family and i were celebrating my uncle 50th bday at east coast!
gosh! time really flies....

during the evening i decided to take a stroll down east coast park nearby to chalet alone.
well, then i walk by a bicycle shop and the next thing i knew already rent one alone

cycling slowly and at my own pace..it feel wonderful
it feels peaceful. yes it really feel peaceful.
i did not tell anyone that rent a bicycle...
suddenly being alone feel better...

i cycle to the end of east coast park where i decide to take a break...and self-photo whore

haha! I cant believe i self-photo whore in public...but well it is me, so it is nothing new...

then the sun set and i end up at some jetty ....
dunno where it is but feel the gush of wind running through my hair is sensual
and with my omnia around it gave me some inspiration to write.

well, i dunno whether u may understand but i will share wat i wrote later//

here some extra pic

me again!

I know it is blurry but i was riding on this baby who keep me accompanied this evening..

at this jetty i wrote two poems...
lol, i am no poet so dont laugh/cuss at me..

Ocean

Im here by the ocean of tears

Gliding through the wind of despair

It strength pierce through every inch of my soul

My spine shiver in fear

Nothing in me is spare

I am feeling cold but it can never be told...

I can feel that my heart is being shear..

My mind is beyond repair

And i am alone and no one to hold..

Am i still this poor dear?

Who Never experience being paired....

Lasting till i am old...

If my soul was seed

If my soul was seed

Let it be on the highest summit.
Let it know no love
Let it know no friends..
For no other tree grow at the mountain top...

Upon the peak it grow alone...
Blooming to no sight
Bearing fruits to no one

For the tree at the peak..
May be it is a blessing..
It will not yearn for another for it have no knowledge about the others.

I wish my soul grew on the mountain end...
And I seek no one and no love for I will have no knowledge of it..

Now I am at the lowest valley. Germinate in obscurity.
Seeking warmth in a stranger life..
Wishing to be at the highest peak....

Hope u like it.....especially depressing poem!

2009-05-09T11:47:00.002+08:00

I THINK MY MIND IS MORE CLEAR TODAY

last night i just have to let everything off my chest...let everything out...let everything bare

i always feel so much better after writing stuff out
i dunno why but may be through a blog i feel that at least i can talk to something

i like the whole world is off my chest/breast! LOL

unlike talking to people, they may have ears but they dont listen..
that is unfortunate....maybe i am that tooo

<>
what the fuck! LOL

ok nvm! I will just rewrite!

as i was saying!

there is this wise bunkmate of mine who told me that instead of accepting and be comfortable with the weakness and the shortcoming that u have, why dont u do something about it and make it better.
his words run through my mind

all my life i have believe that I am fat and i am not as fits as anyone else but i can leave with it as long as i love myself. i always use that as my life philosophy!
but come to think of it, may be i have been using it as an excuse to work hard and be better....
i should change my life perspective..

you know i have been talking to this guy, let call him......S...
he somehow told me that i am somewhat emotional and i cant control myself bitch-fit
lol...may be i am that....well, s is younger than me by a couple of years but he taught me somthing that day...i will not say here but although he is crazy and somehow funny, he taught me more about myself and he change the way i look at things now..

he may know it but i would like to say thank you

another thing is this,
there is this guy who told me that i should run and exercise more as he notice that i am more getting more lethargy by the days. yes...i have not been running lately . but instead of taking it as an advice or like a friend trying to help u out, i took it in offensive way.
i dunno why but to me it sounded like he was sayin that i am fat and should do something about it. i feel it like a slap to my face...

i know feeling that way is totally irrational and baseless
plus i should be more thankful that someone is reminding me to be healthier

i dunno why but am i taking thing negatively or am i more cynical...
hmmmmm,,,,,,

i talk to my mum about all of this and she told me this
" you think to highly of yourself. when someone tell u ur weakness it is somehow a slap to ur big ego"

hmm, may be it true......maybe i hve forgotten to be humble.....
or may be becoz i thing i am a nurse in this course that i feel that i am better it skill or may be it better in everything compare to everyone else.....

gosh, look like i forget some lesson that nursing taught me....to be humble...

humility.....

i should learn that word and understand it true meaning

ok i am gg to say something random

i miss my royal

2009-05-09T01:21:00.002+08:00

i dunno know what wrong wit me. apparently there are many internal turmoil within me.

i know i have irritate a couples of people and even my family members is not spare.

i dunno why i am acting this way.....

i know i am in the wrong
i know whatever i say hurts someone like hell
but i really dunno why i cant bring myself to admit that i am wrong in the first place

i am being like a real bitch...

yes i may sound bitchy but am i taking this bitch story too seriously

or am i really turning to a real bitch

this week in that hostel like place, i really think that i am the worse
asshole ever,,,i know it is not nice to talk about people behind their back but i just could not control my self. i regret back stabbing,,,,

something which come natural to me like gossip bitch backstabbing......i believe i should learn to put a stop to it......
but where do i begin.......

i really piss alot of people, i dunno directly or indirectly...
gosh i should kill myself....

haiz....so disappointted in myself for acting this way,,,,

INSPIRED!

2009-04-26T10:48:00.002+08:00

Lester gave me this link to watch this video about Susan Boyle.

At first people judge her because look,age and appearance but
when she sing, her voice is like an angel!

I am actually inspired and may be we should jude people according to their
inside and not the outside. Quit being Superficial people!

here the link

check it out!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9z0h1NNk1Ik

I watch the video for more than 10 times already!!!

haha

it been for 4 months! it is time to change the Song!

2009-04-10T21:40:00.003+08:00

I have gone through alot! Alot that it change my life better!

It is time to change this song! too long it have been in this blog and now the
new me have to take over! Dun worry! This song Now You're Gone by Sugababes will be
like a stigma on your head!

anyways! Although i din get any complain that I forsaken this blog! it is time to
continue what I have left!

Time for a fresh start!
Lets start from the beginning!

here are some pictures while I am label as Staff Nurse Muhd Hasrul.

I had a great time at ward 75! miss manual evacuation!

Well! in the mean time while working! i have my coffee break with fellow royals! hehe

Then I am off to tekong!!!!

I still cant believe I survive tekong! hahaha!
here some photos of ppl who make tekong fun!

this is me with my buddy! LOL! cant survive without him!

Then we POP! and had a Platoon BBQ!!

hahaha! I had a great time during the BBQ and lots of cash outflow! LOL!

last month Juli, syaz and me!

deciced to go back to the confrontation zone that change our life!
the surge of memory just flow like a broken dam

im sure my dear royals know this place very well.

later on that week! family trip to Changi terminal 3.

haha@ something happen that day! i was in cubicle answering to the call of nature!
then i heard strange noises! later on, I heard a guy moaning " No. NO".me! you can figure out what they were doing in there! lol

next! an Aunt from malaysia return to singapore to visit my grandma who had stroke!

look at her fair skin! beautiful sey!
she told everyday she put natural and purely unrefined honey on her face!
dammit i need to get hold of that honey!

Lastly! yours truly! love to photowhore!
haha!

i love this shirt of mine! dammit i still haven pay jamie for it!

haha!
that is all for now! more heart to heart entry in the future

back from the abyss

2008-11-25T09:38:00.002+08:00

well, it is very clear that this blog have been forsaken. Being untouch for months.

alot have been happening, well how can my life be that stagnant right.

lets start from the beginning,

it have been so damn challenging this year. Emotionally and physically....
with an accident that happen to me involving my right eye, my self-esteem dwindle like a dying flame in the tundra.

then the issue about Khai and how I lost him...
i've lost a friend........

until now it still hurt....it is still very real...
damn!!

I can say I've changed. changed in the way i perceived thing and changed in the way I react to things. After that traumatic experienced I am a different person.

I almost lost my eye and I lost a friend.
at that time to.....i was jobless....that is where i lost my pride...

but soon, when the Will of God, I manage to find a job. Working and earning cash have been
a great distraction and comfort to me. Yes It is tiring but it make learnt and grow.
This is my first real job, dealing with real people where my ass is widely exposed under public scrutiny. When I was a student, I am very much protected like a being in a cacoon with all the senior staff around me.

But now, i have greater responsibility thrust upon me and people lives is at my hand. but I somehow with the help of my preceptor, I survived.

survive greatly and I can say that I am Victorious.

With all this crap, shits and all the hell hole that I have gone through, I Still remain standing high and tall and dun forget my tones ass since I've been gg to the gym lately. LOL

ANd NOW NS is coming. Another chapter of my life awaits!
Time to go where all the boys go to be a man!

damaged

2008-09-21T21:05:00.002+08:00

all i can say i've been working! i am grateful that I am working. I am grateful that in the time of great uncertainty that befall on me, I am still sane.

work have given me a great source of distraction. With the fact that Quincy is gone in ns, i have one less person to talk to. I wonder how he is doing?

Honestly I am mentally nt feeling ok. I dun think I am ready to open up my feeling to anyone anytime soon. i honestly feel so surpress when quincy is gone......pls call me alright.

I am breaking my silence!

I feel so damaged! Thanks to you i dun trust others now. I dun try myself now. I really cant believe in myself now. I feel so stupid! I feel so cheated! I feel rotten now!! u dont know how many night i cant sleep well. I have never felt so much hatred toward someone! Not once i am so angry that very core of me reap in flame upon hearing ur name.

I am not ready to forgive! but I will tell you this! I WILL NEVER FORGET!!!!!!

AGAIN! U LEFT ME DAMAGED!!!!

Sugababes - Now You're Gone

Don't recognise what I see
Who is this looking back at me?
I just can't tell
I see a pale reflection of myself
Can't cover up the way I feel
These nights will never never heal
What can I do?
Am I supposed to just forget you?

I'm torn up got my fingers burning
Now I'm, so lost got a lot to learn
I wanna free myself as someone else
But there's no where left to turn

Tell me who are you gonna run to?
Where are you gonna hide?
There's so much you gotta undo
If there's nothing left inside
Tell me who's gonna make it better?
When there's so much going wrong
Will I feel this way forever?
Or am I stronger now you’re gone?

Wish I could change who I am
Be someone who don't give a damn
It's too much to take
Cause my heart is set to break down
I can't pretend anymore
That things will be like they were before
Why can't you see?
It's just a faded memory

I'm torn up got my fingers burning
Now I'm, so lost got a lot to learn
I wanna free myself as someone else
But there's no where left to turn

Tell me who are you gonna run to?
Where are you gonna hide?
There's so much you gotta undo
If there's nothing left inside
Tell me who's gonna make it better?
When there's so much going wrong
Will I feel this way forever?
Or am I stronger now you’re gone?

What can I do?
To make it through
It's only me
Why can't I see?
I'm not too well
It's such a shame
It's only me

Who are you gonna run to?
Where are you gonna hide?
There's so much you gotta undo
If there's nothing left inside
Tell me who's gonna make it better?
When there's so much going wrong
Will I feel this way forever?
Or am I stronger now you're gone?

Why can't I feel, yeah

There's so much you gotta undo
If there's nothing left inside
Tell me who's gonna make it better?
When there's so much going wrong
Will I feel this way forever?
Or am I stronger now you're gone?

he is in NS already!

2008-09-15T20:32:00.004+08:00

gosh!

I miss that idiotz already...

i hope u are doing ok!

dont bitch around so much

In the end you went NS before me!

I miss u bitch!

Take a Bow

2008-09-12T23:18:00.000+08:00

Ohhh, oooo...

The flowers are all faded now
Along with your letters
They will never see the light of day
Cause I'll never take them out
There's no turning back
It's for the better
Baby I deserve more than empty words
And promises
I believed everything you said
And I give you the best I had
Oh.

[Chorus:]
So take a bow
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part
Like a star you played it so well
Take a bow
Cause this scene is coming to an end
I gave you love
All you give me was pretend
So now take a bow...

[Verse 2:]
The future's is sbout to change
Before you know it
The curtain closes
Take a look around
There's no one in the crowd
I'm throwing away the pain
And you should know that your performance
Made me strong enough

[Chorus:]
So take a bow
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part
Like a star you played it so well
Take a bow
Cause this scene is coming to an end
I gave you love.
All you give me was pretend
So now take a bow...

[Hook:]
Well it must have been slight of hand
Cause I still can't understand
How I could never see
Just what a fool believed
Um

But the lies they start to show
Tell me how does it feels to know
Right now that I wont be around
So baby before where ever you are

[Chorus:]
Take a bow
Cause you've takin everything else (you've takin everything else)
You played the part like a star you played it so well (so well)
Take a bow
Cause this scene it's coming to an end (End)
I gave you love.
All you give me was pretend
So now take a bow

Take a bow
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part (I gave you all my love) like I star you played it so well (I gave you all my love)
Take a bow
Cause this scene it's coming to an end
I gave you love. (Ohhhh)
All you give me was pretend
So now take a bow

Horny???

2008-08-03T20:40:00.002+08:00

LOL!!!!!!!

I sound like a pervert putting up this song! But it is a still a great music.
And I am not hinting this to anyone! So u are safe! LOL. You know who u are!
OPPSS! I just contradicted myself!

So I had lunch with Queenie today and dinner the day before today!
we have much to talk about! LOL!

especially about how orgasmic pee-ing can be! LOL!! a secret technique! haha!
and queenie call me a self-fertilising organism!! funny topic!!!! HAHA!

anyway! enjoy the song!

Mousse T. - Horny '98

You got me horny in the morning and you kno-o-ow
I try to call you but I can't find the telephone
I sent a message through the Internet but it rejected
I wrote a letter and I sent it with the po-o-ost

The post it takes so long, so I've got to sing this song
To let you know how I feel, whats the deal baby
And I can't wait for you, and the things you make me do
My heart is ringing so I'm singing this song for you

I'm horny
Horny, horny, horny
So horny
I'm horny, horny, horny
I'm horny
Horny, horny, horny
So horny
I'm horny, horny, horny tonight

I searched from town to town but I can't find my bird ooh ooh
I got so desperate I sent a rocket to the moon
In New York City someone said they saw you singing the blues
But it was a man from Nowhere Land ... who looked like you
I will keep searching on
This feeling's much too strong
My heart is ringing and I'm singing this song for you

I'm horny
Horny, horny, horny
So horny
I'm horny, horny, horny
I'm horny
Horny, horny, horny
So horny
I'm horny, horny, horny tonight
I'm horny, horny, horny tonight

The post it takes so long, so I gotta sing this song
To let you know how I feel, whats the deal baby
And I can't wait for you, and the things you make me too
My heart is ringing so I'm singing this song for you

I'm horny
Horny, horny, horny
So horny
I'm horny, horny, horny
I'm horny
Horny, horny, horny
So horny
I'm horny, horny, horny tonight

Horny, horny
Horny, horny, horny
Horny, horny
Horny, horny, horny
Horny, horny
Horny, horny, horny
Horny, horny
Horny, horny, horny
Horny, horny
Horny, horny, horn

Better In Time

2008-07-31T23:44:00.001+08:00

t's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Go in, come in, thought I heard a knock
Who's there? No one, thinking that I deserved it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
You didn't notice, you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is, I'ma be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to
(It'll all get better in time)

How could I turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me?
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings?

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna let, hurt my feelings
But that's the path, I believe in
And I know that, time will heal it
You didn't notice, you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is, I'ma be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to
(It'll all get better in time)

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you
Yes, I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh
(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to, yes, I do
(It'll all get better in time)

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
And even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to

Warwick Avenue

2008-07-31T23:39:00.000+08:00

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over little time
But promise me you wont stand by the light

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please draw the past and be true
Don’t say we’re okay
Just because I’m here
You hurt me bad but I wont shed a tear

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
Outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We’ll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you answers, now here’s the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I’ll tell baby there we’re through

Cause I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
An outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

All the days spent together
I wish for better,
And I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’m broken hearted
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wished for better
And I didn’t want the train to come.
No, no.

You think you’re loving
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me
You don’t love me
I want to be free
Baby you’ve hurt me

Don't Dream It's Over

2008-07-28T07:13:00.001+08:00

There is freedom within
There is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead
Many battles are lost
But you'll never reach the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

CHORUS:
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car
There's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today
Tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the TV page

CHORUS

Now I'm walking again
To the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead
Barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

CHORUS

REPEAT UNTIL FADE:
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in

Terra

2008-07-11T21:07:00.002+08:00

It've been 7 years since I heard this piece of music.

You are probably listening to it right now.

This music is called Terra theme. It is compose by Nobuo Uematsu.

I first heard this while playing this game Final Fantasy IX and until now

I am captivated by it. In Final Fantasy IX, terra is another dimensional where people

of the past civilisation still lingered. Their soul is kept in these vessel call genome.

I was secondary 1 when I completed the game. After that, I love replaying the game so that i can reach the stage where this music is played. The game have 4 disc and this music is only played on disc number 4th. LOL.

After that I learnt the art of downloading and download this song. I burnt it to a CD and listen to it through my disc man. Yes! a disc man! that was in our era. I still kept the music somehow until now. If I ever lose it, it would always be ready to be download.

This music have always give me a sense of calm and a great imagination.

The harp that is use is so soothing that many time I listen to it repeatedly before I go to sleep.

I still do that.

When I first listened to this, I always imagine I am in this blue world. Much like a heaven and the cloud is like a cushion for me to rest. like a blue cotton candy. And in this world, I will fly freely to my heart content. Then there is little pixies and fairies flying around me and embracing me in a warm welcome. a place where pain and loneliness never exist. What I feel when I listen to this is simply undescribable.
LOL! my imagination gone wild huh! haha.

Terra have able me to keep in touch with my thoughts and imagination when I was 13.
I may be an adult now but I am happy that I have still have that kid in me. At least I can still fantasize and imagine living in a palace on cloud and a place when my soul roam freely. haha.

That is my Terra! My beautiful Terra!

I hope you find your own Terra!

Life reclaimed! I miss my royals.

2008-07-02T11:40:00.002+08:00

I am taking back my life. Pieces by pieces. Now the portrait is almost finish.
I have learnt to adapt with this new life of mine! I shall say it is like a rebirth.
I am looking at things in a new way! No longer feeling frustrated. No longer feel lost.

I have a new direction now. I am going to return to being a nurse soon! I shall work for SGH.
It took me alot of courage to call up SGH HR and tell them about my condition. I was lost!
I dont know whether I am capable of working. My life was on a halt. like it is hanging of the edge of a sword. HR say I could return to work. It took them 3 days to get back to me. In those 3 days, I told myself, pls dun call me. May be I am not ready to work. gosh, I never felt so much uncertainty.

HAHA. They call up in the end! I went for my medical check-up! and I am fit to work!
LOL. August 11 is the day! Now i cant wait to get back to work! 5 months of holidays and recuperating is enough. Life is back on track.

I miss my royal.

Gosh! I miss all of you to bits and pieces. I know we are moving through some rough transition in our life. Some tougher than the others. Some of us are soul searching and trying to figure out what we really wanna do with our life now that so many changes happening so fast. Look like life after poly is harder than it seem. Oh God, I miss all of you! Cant stopping thinking about you guys and I hope think will return as the way they were before.

I was reading 3 envelopes of warm fuzzy that we got from our ateam annual camp. One envelope for each year. I miss all the time fun times we had. Those warm fuzzy still make my heart felt so much love. May be you should find that warm fuzzy and read it again. and I am going to restore the happiness that I once had. Appreciate the little things that life gave me.

Dear royals, take care alright! We should live life happily like what we used to be. That is something worth fighting for. Lots of hugs and love!

The one-eyed bitch

2008-06-23T00:35:00.003+08:00

lol! funny nick name that have been bestowed to me by my brothers. LOL
They can always make a joke out of the most depressing thing.

I am getting better! the steroid make my sight work better!

I wanted to have this policy of writing only happiness in my blog! but well, I think I just cant take it! I just want to vent thing out!

Honestly! I feel like being alone! Just being alone where nobody can contact me!
I have been binge eating! That is what I normally do when I am moderately stress!
So i have gain weight tremendously! I gt a pot belly ! Bigger than my man boobs! rounder and curvier! LOL

yeah! I am rambling! saying random stuff that is not coherent and super ultra random!
Why am I doing this? Again, there is so many thought that is going through my mind that i need it to be sorted out! I think i just repeated myself! Now I feel like that idiotic monkey MOJO JOJO.

With what I am going through now, I look normal! But I cant look at people normally!
I mean I feel lonely with that condition! I feel so lost and dead.
Nobody understand me! Like who the hell would understand me!! I cant see clearly now!
I have to guess what the hell is written on that bloody board!
When I want to go to the cinema! I feel like that is a waste of money since I cant see it clearly!
I like to see beautiful things but now. WOW! but it doesnt seem to be worth it now!
I even got frustrated when I was watching the damn TV!

I am 20! I have a career infront of me and a gazillion things that I wanna do! But now, i feel my life is so blight! Like of all things this happen to me. Me??? What the hell did I do to anyone to deserve this. Ok fine, i bitch and gossip alot! so???

ARRGRGGRHRHHRHRHRHRHHRHRHHRHRHRHRHRHHRHRHRHRH!! Roar!

Now I feel like I am living out the life of a one-eyed bitch!
Repressed, angry, frustrated and regressing!!

..........................................................................................................................................

Ok now! now i feel so much better! YEAH! I know alot of people care for me!
But now! I just want to recuperate! both the inside and outside! so now I am so going to sleep! And not a single vulgarities use! I am impressed with myself! LOL!! TML will be a super great day!

*this is post is not about you! Or you or you who still insist it is about you! Nor it is about me being suicidal! It is about me who is having haemorroid right now and diarrhea( perfect combination!!) and in pain which make me bitchy! ok! tatas~~

The Eye injury follow by postponement of my National Service Enlistment.

2008-06-09T00:00:00.003+08:00

Apparently, what happen to me in the last week till now, it is the time where I can never forget.
I almost become blind. Yes. Almost become blind.

I spent days and nights in a great distress. I was in verge of killing of myself. Yes. I really thought of that. Not that I was alone nor feeling emotional because I couldnt find a mates or whatsoever.

I had an injury to my right eye. My spectacles broke and 6 shard of glass gt impacted into my eyeball. Worse of all, it could not be wash away. My eye was so swollen that I could not even open it. When I attempted to open that eyelid of mine, it will naturally close in like 5 second. It was even beyond the nerve control. If people ask me how bloodshot was my eye? It is was as bloodshot as you can imagine.

While I was in the accident and emergency, the waiting is just so agonizing. I was suppose to wait for another 10 patient before they could attend to me. Well, lets just say the hospital works too slow. The pain that I was having is beyong words. Tears just kept flowing out of my right eye like a never-ending stream. Well, it last for hours and hours. I just had to tell the nurse how bad i was suffering for them to hasten up and fast forward the waiting time. Well, the House officer couldnt do anything much! so I was refer to the eye specialist. There I waited for another 2 more hours just to be attended.

In the emergency department, the doctors took out 5 out of the 6 shard out of eye.
Initially they thought, they was only 3 shard. Then a senior doctor came and found 3 more.
Well, I thank him for finding the 3 other shards. but honestly he is an ASSHOLE!!!!!
his attitude stink!! Well, I hope when he gt sick or something, may the force of all the healthcare industry treat him like shits. ok! finally I let out of my chest!

He told me that I may be become blind. to be specific mostly to become bling.
He say the laceration was so bad that it right smack in the middle of my cornea.
Well, thanks to him! I was in suicidal mode. They left one glass in my eyes coz they could not remove it. The glass burrow quite deeply. so it can be remove immediately.

I went back home crying! My eye was green due to all the chemical the doc use. Yes, it was damn green! I called Khai! I feel so much better after talking to him. Then there was Juli, Mandy and Grace. Love them both. Anyway, Fearing that I become blind. to tell u the truth, I was in stage of denial like why this happen to me? I woke up the next day for my next appointment.
This time around the doc is way better. There again, they would not remove the last piece of shard as they want other wound to heal first.

So in total, I spent 3 days with a glass in my eye! Imagine that.
I had strong support from my mum and dad. Love them both. My mum cried all night long.
I felt sorry for putting her in that state. When I was in the emergency department, I tried a couple of time to cheer her up. But a mother instinctive sense of care and worry never shook off.

I am nurse and I always say health is all about the mind to everyone and my patients.
This time around I was put to the test. I had positive thought all the way. I do not denied the fact there was a moment I felt so down. Waking up and the feeling I am gg to be blind lingered in the morning sky. But, I thank god for my strong will and support from my mum and dad and the royals. They are reason that I felt so strong.

As you know, I hate doctor like most of the time. I refuse to believe what he say.
I allowed myself to feel depress and then shake it off. After that, I say in my heart and in my soul " Thank you for my healing". I say it like a mantra everyday! With the pain so agonizing, I believe in those words so much. I look into the mirror with my bloody eyes and say " Thank you for my healing" or "I have heal".

On wednesday, they remove the last piece of glass. That remove the pain totally! Can u imagine it hurt everytime you blink!! but i kept believing that I am healing! That I am getting better!
Then the doctor say that the laceration was so close to the middle of my cornea. So close!! and I am quite lucky for that! haha

Now I am believer in the power of the mind and faith!

The very next day was my enlistment date. LOL! When all the way to tekong just to be rejected.
haha. Well, after what happen to me....i wasnt ready for tekong. The Medical officer there look at my eye and I can see from his expression that it looks bad!
HE said : Wah! Not fit for enlistment! you cant even shoot ah! the only thing is that u can run,
but if u fell down, u might hurt ur precious left eye.
LOL.

then now I am here. rejected from tekong until my eye heal to the fullest.

I am healing and I am getting better! LOL

Health is all about what it in the mind. Now I believe what I preached.

Random Post!

2008-05-26T20:09:00.003+08:00

hey all!!

Just blogging since I got all the time in the world for now!

hehex!

I am a great fan of anime. So I watching anime at crunchyroll.com and something caught my eyes!

There is this thailand show. Well, I don't know how it get there. Hoping it was some kick ass horror show or something. So I just clicked on it.
LOL. The subtitle on crunchyroll was just so horrible that I got piss off upon watching it.
So I decided to torrent it instead!

but it turn out to something like brokeback mountain! LOL! nobody died lah! ok!

The LoVe oF SIaM !

haha! it involved this two teen guys , Mew and Tong, who found comfort with each other. They were childhood friend until a family tragedy pull them apart. After many years pass by, they meet up coincidentally! Soon, friendship reunited and feeling developed even more!
there is no gay sex! So it is PG show! I mean I find it ok to see two guys smooching but that it as far as it goes! Well, Tong's Mum soon intervene in their affair. Mew decided to be in isolation and that pushes Tong to be clear of his feeling and somehow confess! but.....

well, the actor and actress are hots!! Whhoo! I have no idea why I like the show but somehow I dont need alot of reason. Well, if you see it as a taboo homo relationship, you may find it repulsive. but I look at it as a affection between two people! be it boy-girl, boy-boy, girl-girl, regardless when two people are in love, there is a something valuable to be understand!

NExt! My latest squeeze! The World ENDs with You

I have not touch my DS lite for months as there is no good games that season until this came along!

AHH! and interesting battle style! it involved trend, pop music and fashion into the gameplay!
I love the fashion part! Different brands of clothes can power up your fighting style. SEXY!
it so suit my Diva-ness. LOL I play in such an intense way that many feared I will break my DS in the end! Well, I broke my O2 LCD. So I am not planning to break anything else! haha

HEhex!

Vanessa William Aka Wanda "Wilhelmina" Vivian Slater from Ugly Betty!

since watching ugly betty! I always find her such a bitch in the show!
haha!

but well people, dont forget she got a beautiful voice! Gosh she is so hot back then!

I am in love with her Voice!

haha! till next time

Graduation. 22 May 2008

2008-05-23T09:57:00.003+08:00

Yours truly Have FinallY Graduated!!

yesterday was a moment of great happiness to me!
Both my parent came for the occassion! hehe. Love TheM so mUch!
Well, picture is enuff to say everthing!

Beautiful day at the beach

2008-05-16T19:02:00.002+08:00

I feel so much at peace now. So tranquil, so enlightened so relax. So in love with my life. haha! I feel so beautiful! LOL.

I mean I finally got the chance to go out today. SJAB NVSS was having post-exam rest and recreational day! I am so glad I manage to join them. It was fun lah!
I feel so much at ease. We have the beach for ourselves.

We were playing by the waters and shouting to the top of our lungs at the sea, releasing every single bit of tension in our heart. I felt so liberated from all the baggage in me.

The water is so clear! We were seating by the beach crapping! Getting wet as if were pee-ing on our pants. LOL. Super ULTRA MEGA WONDERFUL DAY!

It nice to unwind again...

But we took a moment to grief. Coz the beach make us reminiscence of late-Diyana.
The gals took some time to recover! They are strong! Unbelievably strong!
and we had a great day

The funny things is that...
we went to starbuck, yes, my favourite place, to get my frap caramel. LOL
This guy barista was the casher and he was like extra happy and enthu.
after I got my frap and go to the counter to take my straw and I told my maam that that guy is like damn gay lah! I dunno lah! He remind of Quincy somehow! Opps, sorry babe. LOL, to my surprise my junior behind me was like saying he was looking at me! WHAT!! ok he is kind of cute but I am not into this kind of thing!! haha. Damn funny and weird lah! I take it as a compliment though. WHAHAHA

Worse part was my maam told Mr Long(Teacher-in-charge) about it!
I knew it he was going to take this opportunity to make fun of me! haha. SEXY!

19 more days for my intensive SPA! hehex

Grateful

2008-05-10T08:57:00.002+08:00

Woke up this morning and I feel grateful with what I have in my life

I am happy and grateful that I have a family who love me to bits! I am happy in the moment of grandfather ailment; I was given the opportunity to take care of him. I got to know him much better than anyone ever had. My mom become an stronger women than ever before. Although my grandfather is not what he used to be, I still love him very much!

I am grateful that i am living in a 3 room flat with five others but I have become more luxurious than ever. Spiritually and also the Bank Account. My family bond strength to the way no one will ever imagine. I learnt to feel abundance in an out of me like never before.

I have a mom and dad who is patient with all my nonsense but fret not, I am a good son!I will love them and cherish them for the rest of my life. LOVE THEM BOTH.
My life have no meaning without them.

My brothers, Hanan, Hasif and Hazim Shawal is the most precious thing that I have. They spice up my life and well they are my back up system. Love you people.

To my bestest bestfriend, Quincy, cant live if living is without you. If there anything in the world that happen to me, you will be the first one to know. You’re my psychologist 24/7 and the my bitch~! You’re my survival kit. My moral pillar and my motivator to achieve more and get what I deserve. Haha. Known you for like 7 years and still we have so many thing to talk about especially you bitching. Yeah yeah, I love you too! SEXY! Haha!

The royals, Benjamin, Felicia , Grace, Jamie, Juliana, Khairul , Mandy and syazwan(alphabetical order), you guys are the best thing that happen to me. The dream team/cliques/kakis/ bestfriends that I ever ever want. It is the greatest blessing in my life and I am honour to have you as my friends which I can boast to other that they are the best friend I ever have. I love you GUYS!

Back! Malaysia, SJAB, enlistment, flu and funeral cum festival downstairs.

2008-04-20T23:08:00.006+08:00

Yours Truly is Back,

Yes yes, I disappear again. I know I know, I promise to blog religiously but you know what, I lied. YEah I lied! You wanna piece of me?

Anyway, moving! Last week I went on trip to Malaysia. Boy! it was fun! yada yada blah blah blah. Well I was quite estatic about the trip BUT during the trip, it wasn't that euphoric! but it is still fun thought. Again, I am posing for the camera! hahaha

That is a picture of me at Port Dickson. Well, except for the beautiful houses on the sea which I find very romantic for couples to enjoy hours and hours of ........( you fill in the blank), Port dickson is kind of a boring place!

Here is my mum and dad. I don't want to mention who is that idiot behind my parent. But in case you ask, that is my brother. That kid always make me regress to the spoilt brat that I am.

So after some sight seeing, we just have to get out of here! Moving on to Kuala Lumpur.

Once we reach Kuala Lumpur!!

Apparently there is nothing worth to pose at KL. The place is so over-crowded, dirty and it can pose some health hazard to me. It is already bad that I am fat but with the condition like that in KL, I might just kick the bucket sooner than expected. The Hotel was just way too horrible! There is a freaking caterpillar on the salad. Well, my family and I just have to quickly evacuate from Malaysia the very next day. but before that, we went to the nearest convienent store and have some chocolate party. OH GOD! I keep indulging with all the chocolate cookies and the chocholate chip. It is not that we cant buy those stuff in singapore but hey, it is WAY cheaper there. So what wrong with having some Gluttony in your life? Plus I am on a vacation so all diet have to break lose. haha

Worse part! The Hotel Bathtub have no stopper! there goes my long super sensual sleep at the bathtub!

Next stop Malacca.

Oh god, malacca is a much more relaxing place! You can really just enjoy yourself and have a moment of tranquility.

The hotel in Malacca was way better than KL. hehe, I had a long bath! LOL. A hotel, a bed and two belts. BONDAGE!!! LOL! ok ok! I'll stop being dirty.

It is a two beded room so I share it with my grandpa and the next room is shared by my brothers,

See those toy guns! BEWARE: It hurts Like hell! Worse than the Queen frozen pinches.

Yes yes! We regressed and start playing war games in the hotel rooms! but Boy it was so damn fun! I had couples of injuries and bruises from those means toys but well, I will sure love to show it off just like a battle scar. I should paint ball next! Anyone organizing it?

( I just had to pose)
we had lunch here! food is not bad! but we just messed up the table. hoo hoo. it looks empty for now but by dusk this place is swarming with hungry people. My family can drive all the way here just for dinner and return to Singapore! Madness, I know.

Then we went to the well of Hang Tuah. Hang tuah is a legendary malay warrior!

That is me! trying to scoope up so water with a low-tech human invention which i do not know how to do. Dumbass I am! haha

Here is my grandpa! the water from the well is said to have some healing properties. Well, lets us just give it a go and see what happen.

The well looks kind of deep, it was said that even with the worse drought, the well never run out of water! haha!

That all folk! I didnt take a lot of picture anyway.

SJAB NVSS

Well, it is that time of the year where secondary school speech day can be such a bitch! Well, finally SJAB NVSS corp have a full contigent! I am so proud of it! Well, training the sec 1 is very hard coz it is like retraining all over. Tiring but fruitful! Well, I am not everyone favourites guy around there. I have to be fussy, petty and annoying! Training their abilities to the limit. LOL

But then! when the times comes! they all bloom so well. I am going to take that SJAB Officer course after my BMT. talking about that.....

National Service Enlistment

I have been summon to serve this Great City of SINGAPORE by the 5th of June 2008. Well, it have surely destroyed my weekend. But I shall fret no longer. I shall go through it like all the other men before me.

Flu

I had flu the very next day after receiving my NS enlistment letter. NO. The matter doesnt shock me until it cause me to be in this state. I am a freaking REGISTERED NURSE for crying out loud and I play with the dead at times. I was taking care of my grandfather who had flu too and I coincidentally wasnt feeling well on the day i got my enlistment letter. But my health worsen the very next day. Although i hate seeing the doctors(I actually have to work with them) I was force to see one. Yeah yeah, they are the ones with the M.B.B.S. Whatever.

Sorry Khai and Kuntetz for blowing you guys off!

Funeral cum Festival

the only reason on why i am blogging such a long entry is that there is funeral downstair. With all the ritual, ah-ha, it a perfect condition for me to blog cz i cant sleep with all these prayers around me. furthermore, I have never seen a funeral that big! it is so big that it involve 2 HDB blocks. And that is not all, in between that two HDB blocks, there is a freaking playground! and they actually set up a " DJ audio control like station " at the playground. Gosh! It is more like a party rather than an solemn funeral. HAHA. and the crowd is just alot sia!

haha. k den! until my next post! tatas~~

EMO Period

2008-03-20T14:48:00.001+08:00

I am feeling so emo.........................
after watch leap years and hearing this song...

........................LOL

March activities!!

2008-03-19T09:55:00.002+08:00

hello!!

march have been a month full of activities and a month full of $$$ fly away from my bank! LOL! but is it worth it! first!!

Royal Outing to marina Square! LOL
well, i dont have alot of picture! must ask the Voodoo curser to sent me all the pictures. Ah Mah!! since those pictures to me!!

anyway, the start of march, Mummy brought a US$300 bill home. So as I was such a retard and a sua ku.....i was playing with the $300 bill.

Omg!! I am regressing to a kid!!

So after that! an outing With The KUNTETZ!!

Well, i cant believe we walk from bugis to suntec city and then clarke quay and then finally boat quay. wah! well my legg hurts like hell!

OH well! it is still fun!!

NExt ZOO Outing!! LOL

haha! that day was just plain fun and enjoyment!!
thought it was risky that it might rain that day, we all took our chances and the weather turn out to be so beautiful!

And finally I had the chance to wear my shades! LOL

then! that Sunday was my eldest bro birthday!! OMG! he is 25. So Old! So we had Lunch at grand hyatt!
the food was just superb!! But still all of those food are traditional food. What new?? hmm! next Lunch must be at royal plaza!

2nd bro, Mum and dad

LOL.....and now my latest obsession!!

HAIIIIIIII!!! I am totally in love with my life!!

May your soul rest in peace...

2008-03-01T16:33:00.002+08:00

After almost like a year, I return to my secondary yesterday to help out for home nursing competition that is coming up really soon. Well, I was expecting everyone to be there. but I guess I was wrong...

my teacher in-charge have to pick me up from the school gate since there is a new policy about making appointment first..

so when he and I reach infront of the cca room... he ask me whether I know what happen to this girl. I answered no but somehow instantenously my gut feeling say she pass away. Momentarily....my teacher told me she pass away last december when school was about to reopen. I was damn shocked, dumbfounded and speechless...
She died of a massive brain haemorhage...i was really caught off-guard upon hearing that...

There is nothing throughout my education ever taught about a young girl had a stroke. Soon after I realise it was intracranial anuerysm. That is only the possible cause....and it turn out to be true...

I am feeling so much guilt now...really sad...as a trainer I scolded them and being very harsh at times but then...i really never had a chance to say sorry. That is what I regret the most, not having the chance to say sorry...if I ever do anything wrong.

Honestly, for me, this is the first time not a stranger but someone who is a friend...move on....

Well, I may be the last to know about that incident...but surely, the effect is still strong..

may you rest in peace alright..