was wrong wit me??
i am seriously in confusion


wat happen today?
why am i like that.....

why the sudden flow of anger and hatred
juz like a broken dam, everything when all out

i admit, i am not a nice person
i feel that i am thrown back to the past

like in the dark ages
where i am, bitch, hypocrite, backstabber, liar and ruthless

i try lock away all this
surpressing it........

but ir coming out..
today the mask was broken...


they seen it....
they noe it.........
they felt the true me......


my past is catching up on me



i am lost.......


i am nt writing the shit for ntn.......
nor is this some bloody poem


i dunno who to turn to now....


i never felt this despair.....


how i wish i can turn to dust....
and let the wind blown me awa


it better i dun exist...
i did nt do anthing good

i am nt worth anything...
i deserve to be dead..........

i tot i am the only one but finally


my classmates was bitching about this gud for ntn slut, always do ntn wan/// every project the only thing she will ask is this' what do you wan me to present"
i was like fuck off, u din contribute , nvr add content for the presentation, is that all u can offer??
heloorr!!!!!!! like duh, everyone muz present, or else no mark......

plus i ask you to find info about community resource for pregnant teen, wat did u give me??
sum irrelevent shit....wat the fucking info about mendaki??? u can even tell jane u juz din even read the internet article and u pass this shit to me........



in the end, i do the research myself.........
and i have to spoon feed u wit the info......
u noe what, i will make sure Mr.Goh give u zero mark under individual work.......
i am not gg to keep quiet and let you go on wit ur shits///

All our ICA, u totally screw us up.......
wat the chibai......knn..... we are presentating sumthing
, you can sit down there putting ur hand at ur forehead at the teacher's table....worse still, u are in our sub-group. laughing and talking to sabrina infront of the class.....
u stupid, imbecile dog....wat the fucking hell are u doing????? u did nt contribute anything...
if i ask to u present sumthing, u always say " hasrul, u present arr, U GUY what"

YOU are Already so Damn Useless. Juz a simple respect for the group is so hard to get izzit??

chi bai lah, idiotz, i cant stand ur shit animore, so what if i am a guy???
does that mean i have to do all the work, i did everthing, the research the tranparency, i prepared everthing, but still, u still wan to push all the work to me....izzit so hard to present?
u did ntn.....now u din even noe ur place.....



i am juz waiting to kick ur nepalese butt.......

my bitchy level is really going beyond dormant......


plus i think ur such lazy asshole


i am so happy that u fail ur clinical theory test - in ur face, i noe ur stupid-


u now what, the class hate u.......


it nt juz me.........


i can assure u that..........




U're TOTAL SLUT !!!!!!!!!!!

So sick!!!!


i hate it when i am not feeling well. If you look at me this morning.
I am equal to the most pathetic guy that the world have to offer......

i look like a drug addict that the sight of me bring disgust to my friends....

I am not exaggerating, one of my friends say" hasrul go home lah, i look at you i cannot do my work leh".

LOLx. my face is that bad...

MY family tree.LOLx 

RUNNING AWAY FROM REALITY !!!


haha, that is what i do best!!!

LOLx, typical stuff, well, U noe what???? after my last entry, i heard more people die.....

GUDn3sss, sumthing is toying wit me......but too bad, i cant break reality....

ok, yesterday, after i return from my cca.wait, u noe what is my cca? it is Nanyang POLYtechnic Ambassadorial CLUB. LOLx, i got through the interview and i got in...haha....strange.....
Anyway, back to the topic, suddenly someone appear atr my door, they person ask wheter he can speak to my father, ok, then i called my father.....
later, i found that, the person invited to join them in some prayers. His brother juz died....so he ask some of the neighbour to join....

ok, that is like so sad, i mean, that guy's brother died after 6 months in NS. haiz, the father was like so confuse....too many question unanswer, that guy death was so abrupt, aniway, i juz move to this block about 3 month ago, and that is the first time we met them, ok, my father force me to go, well, i dun like sad event, i try to avoid it if i can, typical me. my heart is nt strong...

the next day, which is today, my mum told me, that my father sister-in-law who have eldest sister juz pass away this morning. For ur info, that is NVSS Mr Mohammad eldest sister too......i was like ok.....well. people die, that natural, gudness i was acting numb...but the truth is, they should nt have told that to me, they have a spoilt my morning......

^YOU SEE^ life i playing wit me.....

BUT what the heck!!! at least this week is gud, i got into theso called most well-know club in NYP.

and today, i finally found the song that match my bloG!!!! usually is some midi playing on.
finally, www.iwebmusic.com is working again...haha.....

u noe what, i juz love my cca, they gonna make a name card for us. LOLz, but still under 3 month probation lah, year one mah......hahaha,

hope u guys, enjoy life as much as me. no matter how sickning it is.....

i am thinking about death lately
sumthing i try to avoid everyday
but it is coming in, eating me up slowly
the flow of my tears is wat i can only say.....


i dare nt see tears of others
coz i myself cannot control mine
sadness of brother,fathers, sister and mothers
their love's one life have no more time

wat is a nurse whose heart is nt strong
am i suppose to numb and cold?
being sympathetic is so wrong
but emotion cannot be hold

i cannot bear sadness
nor the sight of suffering
i feel life have no more gudness
people are here juz for dying....

i walk pass an old lady selling tissue paper
i look at their worn-out eyes, i wanted to cry...
in singapore they still live like a pauper
for a chance of survival,they are force to try

my eyes use to so blind
deluding myself life is fun
sadness is everywhere
i seek for no more sun

Yoz!!! hie.... ok , well i have not blog for more than ten days, bad bad of me.....
the top most reason is my com broke down, but abit of laziness too.....

hmm, well, so wat up wit me?? hmm, ntn up. juz a reality check that pulling me down,haiz, but wait first thing first,


ok, my quest for the greatest food have ended, ok sorry, i am getting fatter. haiz,
it time to make sure that my B.M.I is in the ritex range, haha.....

last friday, i had a clinical lab lesson which i hate the most....it really give me a great impact. very sad impact. it affected my weekend, filling it with fear and anxiety about the future. well, that lesson was about the last office of nurses- the final duty dat we give to our client....haiz, u know what am i talking about, sumthing which nurses is bound to see, death, the stone cold process of death, haiz..........i am almost to tear during the lesson, fear fill my heart despair was overwhelming. haiz.......
well, we learnt how to clean a body, handle the lifeless thing gently and clean it, so that when realtive comes, the can see their loves ones as if they are sleeping, haiz, we muz bath the body......but the saddest part is putting the body into tho the mortuary shroud....a white colour plastic thingy where we cover the body after we bath it.......
althought it juz a dummy, we have to imagine that it is the real thing.....

i juz cant bear it.......
i cant imagine it as a person....
i cannot do it
i fear it
i despite it
i hate such thing to happen

on that day, i realise that i dun have a strong heart.....
the heart to see suffering....
i juz cannot

i dun want to see ppl dying on me
never....

but it is inevitable


maybe it sooner than i expected....

well, i am posted to SGH on 29 August....

may be i will,


become numb....








death is juz so cold.....

Damn!! what a day!! wahahaha, didnt expect that to happen to me. LOLx, haha, got a stomachache during tutorial and lecture. haha.... what happen??? i muz ate something wrong....wahahahaha. quite funny that happen, LOLx....


anyway, talking about food, besided searching for that someone- which i cant really be bothered for now, i am searching for food. I mean, i am looking for out of this world food. Something, different, exotic and spicy.....

Not juz this typical food at the hawker centre........

dun tell me hotel food, it is so western, i try that before, it juz the same.....nothing different, not that interesting,

steak??? hmm, i hate beef and lamb, plus half-done steak, it so unsightly
to see the blood oozing out. haha, but i try that before
totally not my type of food...


What am i talking about???

well , basically, when is the last time you ever taste something new?? something which melt in your tongue until that u feel ur on the top of the world, juz like the first time u eat ice-cream...

I yearn to feel that moment again.....juz me, the place and the food. haha,


so the quest for the perfect food, begin!!!!!

I truly think that people is getting older before their time.....


























where did their heart go??














































have they forgotten just like a child, they shld take thing slow......




































Enjoy every little happiness they can find.....








































so that it build up to form a beautiful story...............

















































rather than walking and searching for this big romance...........




































while they know only time will tell..........




























cherish all the things that come to you.....















happiness


















sadness

















friends



















family

















reward





















gift
























problem

















life itself


























coz all of them, are part of you!!
















they mould you













make u wiser
















stronger























better

















unique....

If You are given this land, and u gonna make it whatever you want. A country, a lake and forest or even ur own beautiful planet. So what will You name it?

haha, in my previous post, i wrote about my fantasy world, but i forget to do something. I did not name this fantasy of mine. haha....so what will I name it ?

hmm, it feel hard to give a name to this world of mine, it seem not much name can fulfill my satisfaction......

here is my list of name;

Exodia
Pericy
Cephiroth
Elandria
Godialia
Entra
Entrix
Tatika
Blucharmdria
Holiblusia
Inxandrea
Mytri
Medlia
BLue
Caxin
Entrix
Inbu

hmm, what will i choose, i not really sure.....
i really like the name " Blucharmdia"...haha but I also the name Inxandrea....
hmm, haha, well, all this name i have been careful thought by me....
Blucharmdia or Inxandrea. Hmm, weird of me to think of something that Never exist..
haha...

well, i decided, Bluecharmdia will be name of my world and Inxandrea will be the name of my imaginary kingdom. haha, that perfect!!

how bout this, i have been thinking, i have a child, what will i name in it?
haha, suddenly that question occur to me, I really do not know why, but i go with the flow of my mind...haha...
i prefer a daughter haha, i have so much name to think of

here the list:

Yvonne NurAini
Madison Mariam
Presea Aisiah
Amy Nurdiana
Sakura Saidah( lolx. so japanese)
Artica Jane
Angie Maisarah
Rose Amalina
Saleha nurGarnet
Hadijah May
Selena Mayangsari


LOLx, that is the list of name of my future daugther, lolx, if i ever get one......i really like those
name,

well, i wonder have u guys think that before, haha, maybe i am thinking too much about the future...